"Good Enough"

I have read the article "6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You into a Better Person," by David Wong. I appreciate what he was trying to say, but I do not think the article applies to me.

It contains information that is supposed to at least help me to get on the right track for the only thing I really want out of life: a significant other. And the gist of it is to produce something the world can use. The article seems to be targeted to schlubs that have no diet/exercise habits and no prospects for a career.

I remember that I have asked myself many times "Why don't I have a girlfriend?" The answer, from myself, was always "You are not good enough." It was what I used to make the world seem like a fair place. The reason why I did not have a girlfriend was always because I was too fat or just not successful enough at whatever.

Now I have the choice of a research internship in computer science or a scholarship to learn Chinese. I lift weights with wild abandon. I have a guaranteed job in the military, supposedly the type of job our society respects the most. I can out bench, squat, and deadlift 99% of the population in America, and have the body to prove it.

Am I not good enough?

An Unsent Letter to MU-SASHA

Last year, MU-SASHA did, what is in my view, a very very bad thing. They dressed as Jesus in Speaker's circle and mockingly proclaimed His second coming. Later I found out it was part of an event called "Annual Blasphemy Day." I refuse to look it up further for fear of throwing my computer out a window. To relieve some anger, I'm going to write a letter to them, that I will not send, because it won't do any good.

Dear MU-SASHA,

REALLY. You committed what is seen as the biggest sin in Christian culture for what can only be described as shits and giggles. REALLY?!! That's not a hilarious practical joke. That's not a satire of religion, like the flying spaghetti monster than I oh-so-begrudgingly tolerate. That's just being an asshole. I thought your group was supposed to be, about other things, having a society about tolerance. I don't see this as tolerance. I see it as hate speech. I see it as the equivalent of me going into the Jewish fraternity eating a pulled-pork sandwich saying: "LOOK AT ME!!! SHAME YOU GUYS CAN'T DO THIS!!!" Or better yet, going up to a Muslim and saying "LOOK AT ME!!! I'M MUHAMMAD!!!" (Speaking of which, one can only wonder how much trouble you would be in if you did that.)

It's not a good letter, it's one big, fat paragraph of anger, but this is about the best I can write right now.

New Habit, Part I

It is four minutes in. I am reading the first webpage in "How to Talk to Girls," and already I feel like the worst sort of person for even trying.

I know that there are methods for starting a relationship just like there are for changing the oil in a car, but that fact has always bothered me for some reason. I hate it. I hate the song and dance that goes into starting a relationship in general. I wish there was more honesty.

Still, this is the world we live in, so I guess I'll learn to play by its rules.

Okay, it is after the 30 minutes. The 2nd website I clicked on was "Psychology Today," and the article was posted by a legit psychologist that wasn't shoveling douchebag-scented pick-up-artist shit. Thank God.

Despite the fact that the advice was actually advice and not a scam, I still felt very nervous reading it. I have a nervous tick in which I more or less twitch my entire body in order to pay attention. I had to do it 3 times while reading the articles this author wrote.

I know I will not be able to retain all the knowledge I consumed, but that is okay. The important thing is that I get thinking about relationships more, and get comfortable doing so. Even now I FEEL much more prepared to go looking for relationships and dates. I am comfortable enough lifting weights in the gym that I like to "play around" and see what works. Now I need to get to the point where I am capable of doing so in relationships.

How to Talk to Girls

I've come to believe that saying is too general. I can talk to girls. I can talk to the most beautiful woman in the world without feeling an ounce of intimidation... as long as I'm not trying to ask her out on a date, start a relationship, or even flirt with her. The intimidation factor only comes from the attempt to start a relationship. I feel completely clueless how to do that. Come to think of it, I really don't know anything about relationships.

I believe in moving towards goals slowly, not trying to overhaul one's life completely, which never works in the long run. Moving towards a goal slowly was how I became as in-shape as I am today. It is small habits that continue over the course of years that ultimately define who we are.

In that spirit, I have set a new goal for myself. For 30 minutes every day, I will do something that improves my relationship intelligence. I suppose the ultimate goal is to get married and have kids, but this has to be accomplished slowly, step-by-step. I need to start by being able to interact with people in this context. For too long, I have been obsessed with strength training and muscle building with a relationship as the ulterior motive without acting on that. Now is the time to start.

Us and Them

Throughout my life, I have separated myself from other people. Usually, it would just be me vs the entire world. That one weird me versus an entire Earth of Normals.

ROTC changed that. Now I started putting myself as a member of a team. Always a losing team, but a team, nonetheless. For me, it was always GMC vs POC. Going through Field Training made the POC much stronger than us, so I thought, and I too would have that strength when I made it through Field Training.

One Field Training later, I am wondering when I'm going to finally get that strength.

Another idea I had throughout my life is that the ultimate goal of life is to get into a relationship. Even when I didn't see it as an ultimate goal, I do see it as an entire world of experiences that I am not having. I had that feeling another time in eighth grade when it came to sports, so I joined the track team. Unfortunately, relationships are not so simple. I thought I would get into one once I dropped my excess weight my freshman year of high school, but nothing has changed. My development as a human being has remained as stunted as it has ever been.

Today, Cadet Stark told me "You're going to be a great catch for some lucky woman someday." I love Cadet Stark, but that is one of the worst things you can say to me. I don't want to be a catch for some mystery woman years down the road, I want a relationship NOW.

The point is, combine my belief about "us and them" and my belief that a relationship is perhaps the greatest test of being a fully-developed human being, and I start to divide humanity into two parts, the singles, and the couples. I am firmly in the "single" category, probably will be for the foreseeable future, and I fucking hate it.

Average

Before I can figure out what kind of person I want to be, I need to figure out what kind of person I DON'T want to be. Sort of like the "not a wanna-be" drawing I had to do in 5th grade as a part of DARE education.

The kind of person I don't want to be is Average. Who is Average? To paraphrase "Animal House," he's fat, drunk, and stupid. His only god is the status quo. He never challenges himself mentally or physically. He is weak in body, mind, and soul. He does his job every day, and nothing else. Because he is not willing to challenge himself to the realm of possibility just waiting for him, he is miserable. He will self-medicate with booze and/or weed. He will tell himself it's harmless when it's just yet another way he's destroying his own body. What little sex drive he has is spent on porn. He feels no emotion other than a kind of numb, depressed feeling.

Next time I'll discuss how Average can improve his situation, but until then:

"Better Dead Than Average."

How to Save a Life

I have certainly had a busy few days. The trouble began on Thursday night when I got a phone call from Josh asking me to fill up his car on gas. Then, just as I was about to leave, I got a phone call from another friend named John asking if I could help him move. That night.

After a long ordeal involving filling Josh's car up, helping him move it, then moving all the stuff out of John's apartment, Josh and I could finally relax and get ready for PT the next morning.

The next morning started out as usual, with Josh and I walking in the below-zero cold to the Student Rec Center when we saw a young man lying on the outdoor track. He was barely moving and his face was bloodied. Later we found out that he was not drunk, but suffering a concussion from being beaten by a group of young men, one of whom he had previously gotten into a fight with because the other man called him the "N-word."

I called 911 while Josh and I took him into Crowder and into the warmth. He could barely speak. Soon, the paramedics took him away. I had informed one of my commanding officers of what happened. He soon sent an e-mail out to the entire detachment.

In just a few minutes, it felt as if Josh and I went from being the screw-up cadets to being heroes. It was wonderful. Ever since that fateful day in church, my life's goal had been to be a hero in some description. Well, now I have achieved it in small part. I think the tally over the past few days has been three people that I have directly helped out. I am truly blessed to have such an opportunity.

Why I Lift Weights

There is no other obsession more central to who I am than weightlifting or strength training or powerlifting or bodybuilding or one of its many incarnations. There is no other topic that I spend as much time learning about, including my studies in computer science. I don't work out all that often or that long, but when I do, you better believe that I'm working harder than everyone else in that gym. The reason for all this is quite complicated, but it is the core of why I do what I do every day beyond mere exercise.

It all stems back to an incident around eighth grade. My family had recently joined a church and my dad was playing his flute in a song that was playing during a recital called "Experiencing God: The Musical." I forget the title of the song, but the chorus went something along the lines of: "My soul, magnifies you Lord, glorifies you. And rejoices in your heart. My God and savior."

The person dancing to it was Olivia Johnson, possibly the most beautiful woman I had seen in my life. I saw the beauty and grace of her movements, which along with the music and perhaps something else, triggered not so much a thought, but an image in my head.

I saw everyone that I had ever known in an enormous log cabin eating a meal. They were one community. And then I heard a voice, perhaps from God Himself, saying "What have you done with your life?" The answer, not much. I got good grades in school without having to apply myself, but other than that, I was an utter recluse. I was also fat and out of shape. I saw the community consisting of everyone that I had ever known, and I felt as if I did nothing to improve their lives. That I was not contributing in the slightest and that if I was gone, no one would miss me.

I did not let this thought depress me, however. I vowed to change that. I wanted to have some sort of status in this community. I wanted them all to look at me, and to have me be... I don't know. Honored? Revered? Loved? All of the above? I really don't think there is a word to describe what I wanted and still want.

I wanted to be able to protect them most of all, and I knew I would not be able to do so at my current level of fitness, so I vowed to get in shape. And over the course of approximately the next year, I did, and my life has been a strange journey of ups and downs in fitness and everything else since then.

I still have not really accomplished my goal, however. For two reasons. For one thing, I always have and probably always will, suck at fighting. I am bigger and stronger than the average man my age, but I still don't think I would be very handy in a fight. I am not good at remembering martial arts moves, and my reaction time has to be measured with a calender.

The other reason is that while I have the best intentions for the community, I do not integrate very well into it. Anyone who does not really know me will automatically peg me as socially awkward, mainly because I am afraid of being myself around people who are relatively new. I think social skills will be harder for me to obtain than raw physical strength and size.

Still, I do not give up hope. I think the more than I remember this strange bit of motivation, the more I will be capable of improving my own life and the more I will be able to benefit everyone around me.

Shallow vs Deep

First, an introduction: This is a blog that examines my innermost thoughts, mostly about the process of how I think itself, but also about the human race in general.

Most of what I publish, honestly, is going to be random thoughts about fitness. This is because that's what I think the most about.

I made this blog at the request of my roommate. Compare and contrast our blogs:

http://godslisten.blogspot.com/

     Compare and contrast our ways of thinking. His is poetic. Mine is short,  to the point, and practical. Once upon a time, I would have been just as poetic as him. Not anymore. I prefer thinking in a style that is more... shallow. I used to think Deeply, but that only brought me misery. Just today I realized why. Something that took me too long to realize is that the only true source of Happiness in this life comes from living in the present moment. Perhaps Josh is smarter than I am, in that he can balance living in the present moment with thinking these deep thoughts of his. I cannot. Anytime I try to think deeply, it will ultimately lead me to depression, anxiety, and listening to Silent Hill music when I should be sleeping. If that does happen, I will make sure to post my thoughts, as I am sure they will be entertaining.